The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
