Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
