peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
