So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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