sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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