I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
