last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
