Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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