I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
