i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
