It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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