i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize