If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
