Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
