I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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