Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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