I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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