I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize