If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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