Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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