just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
