totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
