i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
