I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
