Please, let me fuck your mom
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
