Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We left the knife in your bed.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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