Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You have to summon your inner elephant
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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