she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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