I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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