Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
