is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
