Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
