mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
