You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
zippers are such a cool invention
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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