Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
