I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
