Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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