the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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