If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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