Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
