im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
