What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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