She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
