you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
