Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Randomize
