My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
