I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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