I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
