I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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