Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
