I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
