You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
