I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
