Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
