I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
